Today was our first meeting in the process to get Chase enrolled in his special needs preschool. This is something I have been working on doing for over a year now and due to some life events, it has taken more time than I had hoped. So as you could imagine, I was very excited to get the process started.
It wasn’t until I actually got to the meeting that I realized how hard this was going to be. You always hear special needs moms talk about how horrible IEP’s are. This was just the assessment leading to the IEP. I didn’t think it would be so bad.
There is nothing worse than being made to feel like your child isn’t enough.
- isn’t good enough
- isn’t smart enough
- isn’t aware enough
I have spent the last year working harder on my sons health than I have ever worked on anything in my life. Anyone that knows me personally, knows this is pretty damn hard. I busted my ass to get into a good college after working 40 hours a week in high school (GO BRUINS!). In college I busted my ass to get the best PAID research position, which was basically unheard of amongst my peers. I got into pre-med programs that at the time, I didn’t feel like I was smart enough to get. But after all my extracurricular and getting into all these programs some people just dreamed to get into, while getting great grades at a great school, I realized something.
I am smart. I do work my ass off. I EARNED everything I worked for. I am good enough.
So when it comes to healing Chase, it became my life. I already had the science background. But, I read and read and read some more. About 5 hours a night, uninterrupted, for almost a year.
So why is my hard work suddenly not good enough?
Chase has come so far in this past year. He is no longer self injurious, he loves us, he plays with us. He is my son. He is no longer the shell of himself that he had become after his regression. We play together, we have fun. His autism no longer controls every minute of our life. But, today I found out that everything I’ve done and him working 20 hours a week in therapy wasn’t enough.
Laguna Beach is a fairly small town if you exclude the thousands of tourists that visit every year. And today I found out that Chase more than likely needs more assistance than their program can provide. They want to bus him to a completely different district.
If you know IEPs, than you know this isn’t set in stone. But just hearing it made my heart break into a million tiny pieces all over the floor. A kind of pain that I don’t think I ever experienced before becoming a mother.
Then I had to remember that I am good enough. Chase is good enough.
And just like the teachers I had in high school that told me I would never go to college, we are going to prove the school district wrong. If that means reading 5 hours a night for the rest of my life, so be it. He will continue working hard in his therapy. I will continue nourishing his body with healthy food. We’ll both continue to connect with nature, rebalance and stay positive. I will continue to rid our toxic world of toxins until he is better. So one day he can go back to his preschool and tell them himself that he was good enough.